Doomed to Failure Again

So I promised myself that I would spend more time with my friends after one passed away recently.  I have tried, but it seems that my friends don’t like me.  At least that’s what I assume when I call them several times and never get a return call.  I leave messages every time, but they never seem to get back to me.

This has been apparent to me on several occasions.  Once, a few months back, I was traveling for work.  I was in the hotel lounge having a few drinks when it dawned on me that there were several people I hadn’t spoke to in a few months.  After making about 6-8 phone calls and not getting a single person on the other end of the phone I came to the conclusion that my “friends” were ignoring me.  How else can you explain not a single person being available to talk at 9 o’clock in the evening on a weeknight?

Have I been a bad friend to everybody?  Am I just really annoying and nobody will tell me?  If that’s the case, I would love to know so that I can attempt to not be pain in the ass so that I may retain at least a few friendships.   It’s not like I gave any of my friends my blog address so that they can see my pain and suffering.  I will have to figure it out for myself I guess.

A Little Peace and Quiet

I have been out in the forest for the past 4 weeks now marking a rather large and cumbersome timber harvest.  I was somewhat complaining the other day to my wife about how lonely it can be out in the forest by yourself for long periods of time.  I even decided to bring along my PDA for the last stretch since it has Media Player and a large memory card.  That made it better.

To provide some contrast in my life, I finished the timber sale marking today and came home earlier than usual.  I was greeted by 3 screaming, running, eating children that slightly resembled monsters.  They continued to run and eat and scream for the next hour, until I was blissfully remembering the ling lonely hours in the forest where I had to listen to no one but whomever I slapped on to my storage card for the music that day.

Oh well, I guess that’s what you get for having a bunch of kids.  It is my wife that has to put up with them for the most part.  I usually get the evenings, after dinner when everyone is winding down for the day and just want to relax on the couch with a book or a TV show.

Job Update

So I didn’t get the job with the State. Oh well. That just means that I don’t have to sell the new house and uproot my family. A good friend of mine actually got the job instead. I am torn between being happy for him and wanting to strangle him for getting the job.

I am perfectly happy with the job I have and make decent money. This was just a chance to advance my career a little earlier than I had planned. And now we have time to finish the updates to the house before we have to sell.

I Failed You in So Many Ways…

Jason, you needed a friend. I wasn’t available. When you called out of the blue a few months ago, we talked for over an hour. I should have realized that it wasn’t a call for fun. It was a call for help. We talked about old times and you told me how much our friendship meant to you over the years. It felt really good to hear from you and know that I helped.

Only I didn’t help enough. I didn’t hear the hidden cry for help in the conversation. I didn’t know that you were still struggling. I didn’t know that you needed more than a conversation that day. You needed a shoulder to lean on, someone to help you.

I should have called more often. I should have called even once a year. I didn’t. I ran away. I ran from home as soon as I could find a way out of that town. I sensed danger very early in high school. I felt the cold grasp of drugs on my heart. I watched as friend after friend turned to more dangerous drugs when the old stuff didn’t do it anymore. I ran.

I could feel my weakness from the very beginning. I thought that someday, one of us would be dead because of it. Now, Jason, you are. We all gathered to say goodbye yesterday, to let you know that even though you were gone, you were still here. We told you to clean up all along. We begged you to clean up and stop using. Now, we can’t even tell you that we loved you all along.

I have failed in even the littlest way. I think that I have learned a lesson in all of this. I vow to spend more time with my friends. I vow to appreciate all the time that I have on this earth with all of you, to cherish you. Most importantly, I will let you all know how much you mean to me from now on.

Jason, I failed you in so many ways. But I will not let your passing be in vain.